This Prince Harry Penis Story Is WAY Too Much About Mom Princess Diana!

OK, you’ve probably already heard the story of Prince Harry‘s frostbitten penis by now.

Even in a sea of headlines among release of his memoir Spare, it was pretty damn memorable. But if you did miss it, the Duke of Sussex recounted getting some frostbite during his fundraising trek to the North Pole back in March 2011. He wrote:

“Upon arriving home I’d been horrified to discover that my nether regions were frost nipped as well, and while the ears and cheeks were already healing, the todger wasn’t.”

He was even still having trouble during the royal wedding between big bro Prince William and Kate Middleton! A peek behind the curtain at something we definitely did not expect.

But that wasn’t the whole story. The excerpt we saw before the book’s release was missing a big element — one equal parts nostalgia and oedipal complex!

The wedding wasn’t the end. He wrote about the ongoing pain:

“My penis was oscillating between extremely sensitive and borderline traumatised. The last place I wanted to be was Frostnipistan.”

He didn’t know what to do, as everything he’d tried had failed to heal the royal peen. Finally a female friend “urged me to apply Elizabeth Arden cream,” he wrote — which he blanched at, mostly because of its connection to his late mother, Princess Diana. He told the friend:

“‘My mum used to use that on her lips. You want me to put that on my todger?'”

She assured him that it works for damaged skin, so he went for it — and got more than he expected when he smelled something all too familiar:

“I found a tube, and the minute I opened it the smell transported me through time. I felt as if my mother was right there in the room.”

Wow, what a sweet moment about loss and sense memory. Except… he followed it up, in the very next sentence, by going straight from his mother’s lips to his penis:

“Then I took a smidge and applied it… down there. ‘Weird’ doesn’t really do the feeling justice.”

And that’s how Princess Diana’s lip cream cured Harry’s willy. We’re not sure the line about it being “weird” does this whole incident justice, frankly. Talking about your mom’s mouth and your penis in the same breath is just FAR TOO AWKWARD to let go with just that. If you’re going to include all the aspects of that story — which Harry really didn’t have to, obviously — you have to do better than that!

Where was his ghostwriter to fix this? Or convince him not to include?? Maybe even that guy didn’t want to touch this with a ten foot pole.

Oh, and for anyone wondering what it must sound like when Harry reads this part on the audiobook? Enjoy!